My Mom Hat vs. My Work Hat

After a long day at work with no breaks, it's more than difficult to put in my "Mom Hat" and go on for the evening. I feel so guilty that I didn't have the necessary energy for my kids tonight...

But as soon as they smile and start being silly... My evening can turn around. Tonight was THE biggest blessing as they played beautifully together! That almost never happens! Listening to the girls giggle and scream with delight (not scream with anger at each other) was music to my ears! 

God knows many nights aren't like that, though. Most evenings, I'm putting out fights, redirecting bad behavior, trying to prepare dinner, and find a sense of peace that won't show up... 

So I'm grateful for my evening tonight. My son stepped up and was helping. Then we toasted pumpkin seeds from the previous nights carving (which everyone loved!!).

In the midst of the chaos of the divorce, and the lack of consistency that the girls are experiencing, it's wonderful to have an evening like tonight. A small glimmer that things are moving forward...

I don't expect all nights to be like tonight. I'll continue to provide consistent parenting and be the bad guy most days. But being surrounded my the people I love who encourage me when it's hard, makes it easier! I am blessed! 

Exhaustion

How much is too much to share here? I feel completely exhausted with life. The children are wonderful but exhausting... I love my job, but it's exhausting... I adore my family, but the worry about my father is exhausting... I'm moving forward with my life, but my divorce process is utterly exhausting... My brain goes ALL the time, and I'm exhausted! 

I haven't figured out how to just , "let go, and let God" or really how to trust that He has it all under control... There is so much at stake.

Indoor Voices Please!

When we first checked into our hotel we were placed on floor five. When we walked into our room, they did not have a frige and microwave for us, so we were moved to floor four. Thank goodness, too. Floor five had a sign which read "Quiet Please. Day Sleepers On This Floor." I know my husband relayed our dynamic to the people at the front desk. "We need to stay for three weeks and we have children... small children..." i.e. they are loud. They are loud when they are happy, they are loud when they are playing, they are loud when they are mad. All dynamics in our household seem to have this VERY loud ensemble that goes with it.

What in the world am I doing wrong? I don't think I am that loud. In fact, I like it when things are quiet. Do you want Mommy happy? Give me five minutes of pure silence to recharge. I try hard not to speak loud to my kids. I understand that it is important not to speak over my children if I need to speak to them. I encourage our interrupt rule (place your hand on whose attention you need to politely let them know you need something), we discuss and act out inside voices versus outside voices, I remind them constantly that we need to use out inside voices, AND I encourage them when they remember to use their inside voices.

Being at a hotel, does not automatically encourage my children turn down the volume (crazy, I know). It seems to have gone up in fact. That may be because we are all in the same room! There is no where for them to go and really let it all out. We walk down the hall and it is a race to the elevator. Which is hilarious, I guess... Bella hides then jumps out at Lily. Anthony is chasing them and all are giggling as we make our way down stairs. Then there is the debate about who gets to push the button- who did it last time? Who is pushing it outside versus inside? Preventing Lily from hitting the alarm button which is just within her reach (of course). All of these events take place at a volume that those on floors above and below can hear, I am sure!

So what would my kids look like if they actually slowed down and always took into consideration the fact that we are inside versus outside. Well... they would look like adults. And I don't want that for them! I wish I could have so much fun going down to the elevator. I wish pushing buttons brought the kind of thrill to me as it does for them. Watching them light up as they are silly and playing together is fabulous. Why stifle that for them?

As for now, I will continue to teach and instruct about indoor vs. outdoor voices because there are times that it is necessary. When it is not necessary, we are going to be silly and have fun together... and not worry too much about being quiet. Because if I really tried, I could TOTALLY beat my kids to the elevator! As long as we aren't on the fifth floor!

Good Morning?

I'm not sure why I do it. It seems to happen most mornings... The morning debate about who got the least amount of sleep. "There's very little data about how parents sleep, but obviously there's plenty of anecdotal evidence that they don't sleep enough," says Thomas Roth, PhD, director of the Sleep Disorders Center at Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit. While fathers probably don't sleep so well either, mothers are perhaps likely to suffer more."
The situation is definitely exacerbated by the fact that we are all still in our hotel room. Anthony wakes on his own at 6:00 am and it seems to set off the domino effect in our little space. Bella or Lily will start making noise. This morning it was Lily. I can usually count on her to be my little ray of sunshine when I wake up; not the case today. She woke up screaming and inconsolable. My brain is just starting to adjust to the morning and I can't quite understand why she is so upset. Does she want Anthony? No. Breakfast? No. Diaper? No. She is just still tired, but now there is too much going on around her that she couldn't possibly go back to sleep because she might miss something. So we will all be awake, just not happy about it...
So I guess I could say that I win :-) I probably slept worse and I have the right to be grumpy and demanding in the morning, right? Well, no! That is probably about as selfish as I can get. I love being a mom. I love taking care of my kids and I want more than anything for them to have a smooth and pleasant morning before they start their day. I don't want to say that getting moving in the morning is a sacrifice because I think that sounds negative. But that is how it feels! I need to alter my thought process here. I know that once I start my coffee in the morning, I start feeling better. I think I also tend to do nothing instead of making steps in a different direction. Once I realize that I am not going to actually get up and make bacon, eggs, toast and juice for my kids, I tend to let them just do their own thing. Perhaps I should just enjoy a bowl of cereal with my awesome kids.

And if I am honest, I didn't win the sleep argument. Reed got up with Bella last night and he woke every time Lily did as well. My sleep deprivation is comparable to his... if I am REALLY honest, his might be more. He works 50-70 hours each week and I know it is hard busy, work. I also know that my days are hard and busy too, but I have grabbed naps or read a book while nursing my baby. I am grateful for all he does for our family! But my job is taking care of our family. Working together and encouraging each other along the way makes it that much better!

Relaxing at the hotel.

Hotel Living...

Part of the reason I wanted to start a blog was so that I could have a way to share my thoughts on parenting and being a stay-at-home mom and wife. However, one of my great weaknesses is that I am a procrastinator. I put things off that can be completed tomorrow. In terms of this blog, it isn't pressing... so after several months here I am! Ready to share the wonders of my life- all of the moments where I want to cry but have to laugh because, well, how else would I maintain my sanity!?

In my current dynamic, my family and I are living in a hotel... that's right. In a single room with 2 beds. Which is a strain on our family, my kids, my parenting and of course my marriage! No privacy for anyone! But we are down to the last 12 days! Only 12 more days and our home will be ready. I will once again be able to cook in a kitchen, relax in a living room, sleep with my door shut (baby #3 sitll in there, but ya know :))

I never realized how much physical space could impact a situation. It is forcing us all to agree a lot... about what we watch, about games we play, places we go, etc. We often play house (a lot) and poor Anthony has been the Dad, brother and Bella's favorite "baby sister." The poor guy is longing for some down time as well! And after that conversation, Bella tells me she "NEVER gets any alone time!" Another part of being in a small space. No private conversations! Perfect example of how Bella is 4 going on 16!

But This is all very humbling. We HAVE to work together to make this work. We can't go into our own private spaces and avoid eachother which many families seem to do. Watching my oldest son struggle with needing some space but working outside of his comfort zone to make the best of a challenging situation is encouraging as a parent. He is stepping up to the plate. I feel I am being called higher as well. Being creative with dinners and activities to make this pleasant is never ending, but worth it.

As for my husband and I? We have to be creative too. Taking advantage of the hotel's "Happy Hour" for some alone time has been crucial. And encouraging eachother along the way. Work is hard for him and he has no time to rest when he is off. Reminding eachother that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and focusing on the positive that we are doing now helps. I am blessesd with an amazing supportive husband.

My Perfect Morning

My perfect morning would start out with waking refreshed before my kids wake up. I truly believe that taking a few minutes of quiet time to start out your day is crucial for sanity. My quiet time would consist of prayer, reflection on areas that I would like to grow in, and planning my day. This quiet time (for me at least) requires a cup of coffee to jump start my day. 

My typical morning consists of waking because I have to… The kids are all awake and demanding my attention. From the moment I open my eyes, I am putting out fires. And mind you, I have NOT had my coffee, so my brain is not functioning in this demanding environment well. I soon realize that my stress level is rising and I am becoming reactive to my children. I am snapping and irritated by their small requests. Seriously Christina? They are kids! Insert deep breath here… 

They are amazing. Anthony got up and got himself ready for school, then fixed breakfast for Bella and himself. The fires that I am putting out? Bella complaining about how Anthony cut her waffle. Lily just making noise because she is 1 and can do that. Bella making noise because it is making Lily laugh. Anthony chiming in and they are all giggling.  

No, it is not my “perfect” morning… but it is definitely the perfect morning.